Album Title of the Day

Calvin Harris, I Created Disco.

Dead Mean People Suck

For instance, Leona Helmsley:

Helmsley left her beloved white Maltese, named Trouble, a $12 million trust fund, according to her will...

No one [in Helmsley's family] made out better than Trouble, who once appeared in ads for the Helmsley Hotels, and lived up to her name by biting a housekeeper.

She also left her chauffeur, Nicholas Celea, $100,000.

Twelve million for the dog, and only 0.83% of that for the chauffeur. Nice...

But at least she did this:

She ordered that cash from sales of the Helmsley's residences and belongings, reported to be worth billions, be sold and that the money be given to the Leona M. and Harry B. Helmsley Charitable Trust.

I wonder what sort of charities the trust invests in.

I Shoulda Been an Entrepreneur

I thought of this idea when I was about 13 years old.

Heck, I'd do it. I'm not proud.

For Sale: My Car in Flames

From the "no good deed goes unpunished" file:

We're trying to sell our car, a '96 Mitsubishi Galant. It's a great car - we've had it 5 years and it has run like a top. We're selling it only because the girls don't fit in the backseat anymore.

Anyway, our next door neighbor says he wants to buy it. Great. That's easy.

As I'm putting the paperwork together for him, I realize that the car is due for an oil change. I think to myself, "It would sure be a neighborly gesture if I change the oil for him before we make the deal." So last night after work I take the car to one of those speedy-lube places and they change the oil.

Except there's one problem: They take off the old filter but forget to put on a new one.

I get in the car, start it up and tell them, "That clicking noise wasn't there before." We shut off the car and they quickly spot the problem. Oil has gushed out where the filter is supposed to be - almost all of it. The car is clicking because it's running without oil.

They apologize profusely, put on a filter, refill the car with oil and send me on my way.

A few blocks later I ask myself, "What's that smell?" After another block or so I can see smoke curling out from under the hood.

I zip back to the speedy-lube and when we re-open the hood, smoke pours out as if Cheech and Chong had been in there instead of the engine.

They apologize profusely again, telling me that the smoke is coming from the burning oil that has splattered all over the engine and exhaust. They rinse it off as well as they can and tell me that, while they couldn't get it all off, there's only a small amount left and it'll just burn off as I drive the car. "It'll be gone by tomorrow," the guy assures me.

Okay, fine.

I decide I'll just take the car out on the highway and burn it off. I figure that at highway speeds the oil will burn off fast and the smoke will dissipate quickly.

But before I can get to the highway the car is smoking badly. As I'm sitting anxiously at a stoplight, two women pull up next to me and one of them yells, "Sir, there are flames under your car."

Okay that's it.

I say "Thanks," pull over, call a tow truck and have them tow the car to my regular mechanic. He assures me he can wash off the oil.

So here I am, trying to sell the car - a great, reliable car - and the damn thing is smoking and flaming because the guys at speedy-lube forgot to install a bloody oil filter.

I don't know what to tell my neighbor: "Oh, those flames and smoke? Ignore them - that'll burn off."

Sheesh.

A Story That'll Break Your Heart

And it's about baseball, no less.

Bad Luck = Good Luck

I bought this new CD yesterday, "Sun Drenched" by Justin James. Never heard of the guy before - just a random purchase because it looked like a good summer album. Six songs in, it's pretty good. Reminds me of Jack Johnson - same sort of laid-back singer-songwriter-surfer ethic. (I'm guessing Justin James probably gets that a lot.)

Interesting story in the liner notes, though.

The guy didn't play guitar or write songs until he needed something to stave off boredom during an extended rehabilitation, after he nearly got his foot bitten off by a tiger shark. He came close to dying, apparently.

But if not for sharky, the guy wouldn't have a career in music.

Bad luck = good luck. You never know where it's going to come from.

Check Your Green Beans

Here's your friendly safety advisory for the day. Check those cans of green beans because there's a recall due to a - gulp! - botulism risk:

Consumers should not eat certain brands of French-cut green beans because of concerns they could be tainted with the toxin that causes botulism, U.S. health officials warned on Friday.

The FDA said the affected Lakeside French-cut green beans are sold nationwide under the brands: Albertson's, Happy Harvest [Aldi], Best Choice, Food Club, Bogopa, Valu Time, Hill Country Fare, HEB, Laura Lynn, Kroger, No Name, North Pride, Shop N Save, Shoppers Valu, Schnucks, Cub Foods, Dierbergs, Flavorite, IGA, Best Choice and Thrifty Maid.

The warning applies to cans with the following codes:

EAA5247, EAA5257, EAA5267, EAA5277, EAB5247, EAB5257, ECA5207, ECA5217, ECA5227, ECA5297, ECB5207, ECB5217, ECB5227, ECB5307.

The green bean warning is unrelated to a recall last month of chili sauce, canned meat products and dog food made by Castleberry's Food Co.

Botulism is one of the most lethal toxins known, and only a tiny bit is enough to do you in. It attacks your nervous system, and if you don't get treated soon enough, you don't stand much of a chance. And even if you do survive, it's a long recovery. Very very nasty.

Russkies

So the Russians are claiming that the North Pole belongs to them because they sent a sub down to the seafloor and planted a flag there.

I liked the response of the Canadian Foreign Minister:

"This isn't the 15th century. You can't go around the world and just plant flags and say 'We're claiming this territory'," Canadian Foreign Minister Peter MacKay told CTV television.

I also hope Santa files a lawsuit.

Song Title of the Day

"You! Me! Dancing!" by Los Campesinos!

If I Were a Book, What Book Would I Be?

According to this harmless little quiz, I am Ulysses, by James Joyce. To wit:

"Most people are convinced that you don't make any sense, but compared to what else you could say, what you're saying now makes tons of sense.

What people do understand about you is your vulgarity, which has convinced people that you are at once brilliant and repugnant.

Meanwhile you are content to wander around aimlessly, taking in the sights and sounds of the city. What you see is vast, almost limitless, and brings you additional fame. When no one is looking, you dream of being a Greek folk hero."

That's fair enough, I suppose. Especially the first paragraph. If only people could hear what's going on inside my head, they'd actually think I'm being quite coherent.

I'm not sure about the Greek folk hero thing, though.

Always a Great Show

This year's Perseid meteor shower is the night of Aug. 12-13. Mark your calendars!

Summer Music

Properly, every summer ought to have an album. Something not too serious, to sing along to, with the windows down and nothing else to do.

Something that reminds you of being half your age, instead of the age you are.

So here it is: a nice, breezy album for the lazy days of July and August:

Coconut Records, "Nighttiming"

A Great Moment in Baseball History

Ah, yes. Today is one of the high holidays of baseball.

It is the 28th anniversary of Disco Demolition Night at Comiskey Park in Chicago.

Truly one of the great moments in baseball history.

Thank you, Steve Dahl.

Some Headlines Speak for Themselves

For instance, this one:

China bans toxic syrup in toothpaste

The Best Rock and Roll Band in Business Today

The White Stripes

Just my opinion...

My Celebrity Crush?

I followed one of those ridiculous links today. One that says, "What does your celebrity crush say about you?" Some schmuck at Yahoo outlined what it says about a man if he finds certain actresses attractive.

I'm pretty sure I don't have a celebrity crush, but I played along. There were only a few specific actresses named. Here's the list:

• Angelina Jolie
• Jennifer Aniston
• Paris Hilton/Lindsay Lohan/Britney Spears
• Halle Berry/Scarlett Johansson
• Julianne Moore/Michelle Pfeiffer
• Pam Anderson
• Beyonce/J-Lo/Fergie/Janet
• Any character from Grey's Anatomy (a show I've never seen)

Hmm. I went with Halle Berry. And according to the schmuck this means:

That he has darn good taste. Physically, they (Berry and Johansson) represent classic feminine beauty - their curves, their skin, their heart-stopping faces. That may mean he has very high standards - and seeks relationship perfection.

Oddly enough that's a fair description. I was always been picky about the girls I dated. All of which means absolutely nothing, but there you go.

I Guess When You Have a Billion People ...

you need a 1000-seat bathroom.

They're flush with pride in a southwestern Chinese city where a recently-opened porcelain palace features an Egyptian facade, soothing music and more than 1,000 toilets spread out over 32,290 square feet.

"We are spreading toilet culture. People can listen to gentle music and watch TV," said Lu Xiaoqing, an official with the Yangrenjie, or "Foreigners Street," tourist area where the bathroom is located. "After they use the bathroom they will be very, very happy."

Some urinals are uniquely shaped, including ones inside open crocodile mouths and several that are topped by the bust of a woman resembling the Virgin Mary.

There are also plans to build a supermarket nearby, which will sell toilet-related items, CCTV reported.

"Spreading toilet culture?" Crocodiles? The Virgin Mary? (The jokes, they are too easy!)

But since I don't know if I'll ever be able to use that bathroom myself, I would like to assure Mr. Lu that after I use the bathroom, I am indeed very, very happy.

I Found One of These ...

at the supermarket yesterday.

I picked up a box of grapes - you know those clear plastic things they come in these days. I just happened to notice a spider in there, nestled among the grapes. Almost certainly, it had made its home in the grape arbor, gotten picked, packed and shipped, and ended up right there in the store, waiting for me to pick it up.

I didn't recognize it right away - I just thought, "spider." But I didn't want to buy a box grapes with a free arachnid prize, and I didn't want to just put the box back, giving somebody else the gift of a spider-freak-out. So my first thought was to just go tell a store employee about it. I quickly scanned the store to find an employee, and after I sighted her, I glanced down at the box to make sure the spider was still there.

It was at that point that some little part of my brain started jumping up and down, and I thought, "Hey, that spider looks kind of familiar."

See, this widow wasn't gloss-black like the one in the picture here. My grape spider had red and white markings on its back. But a few months ago I happened to be at the library with the girls, thumbing through a kids' book about spiders, when I saw a picture of a black widow unlike any I'd ever seen. It had red and white markings on its back, along with the telltale red hourglass on its belly. I remembered thinking, "I'll be darned. I never knew a black widow could look like that."

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I assure you: They can look like that. Apparently juveniles are especially prone to extraneous markings.

Anyway, I shifted the grape box in my hands, and thankfully Little Miss Widow complied by turning on her back. And there was the little red hourglass, plain as day. I already knew that widows tend to be very shy, docile spiders, so I wasn't worried about it jumping out and biting me.

I walked over to where the store worker was, but she was helping another customer, so I waited until she finished. I was glad it was an employee I recognized. She always says hi to me and the girls, so it wasn't like she was a complete stranger.

Finally when it was clear I quietly told her about it and showed her the spider. After an initial "No way!" she took the grape box to the back of the store and - we can only assume - disposed of the widow. (She seemed cool about it, so I think she was perfectly capable of carrying out the squishing duties.)

All in all, it was pretty weird. The store employee kept thanking me. She even said that a lot of moms will open those grape boxes right in the store and let their kids eat out of them.

It goes without saying, I was happy to help.

What Happened to the Beans?

Since spring, I've noticed an abundance of corn fields this year - and a dearth of soybean fields. "Where are all the soybeans?" I've been wondering.

About, say, 10 or 15 years ago, Illinois used to have about half corn and half bean fields (at least that's the way it seemed to me). This year, because of increased demand for ethanol, the balance has shifted mightily toward corn. How much? This much:

U.S. farmers are on track to grow their biggest corn crop ever, an astonishing 12.8 billion bushels, a government report said...

In Illinois and Iowa, the two leading corn and soybean states, growers cut soybean plantings by a total of 2.1 million acres from 2006.

I've also seen quite a few wheat fields this year. I hadn't seen a lot of wheat fields since I was a kid.

Cool Weather

Check out the weather today. All those little storms, everywhere from New England to Texas.

Cool.